Friday, March 14, 2008

Missing Someone is pretty hard to bear ...

As much as I dun like to admit, I really miss LianJing Fashi.

How frequent can you find such an approachable old monk who really cares for people around him and treats you as if you are his son/daughter ? This personal touch has left many of us speaking fondly of him even for months after he has left Singapore.

There are times when fellow dharma friends from my Buddhist Society will joke that he is my god-father. Though I told them that is not the case, I really do wish I have a god-father like him and to come under his tutelage. It's so rare in life to find a mentor who makes you want to be a better person instinctively by just being around him and listening to his words of wisdom.

I wonder how he is faring now that he's in Panama leading a group of cultivators in meditation. My relief comes from knowing that I will be meeting him soon in Taiwan for a retreat up in one of the mountains in Tainan in May.

Fashi reminds me of my grandpa.

I see some resemblence between them both.

I see humility and kindness ...

Traits which I have been trying to cultivate... .

I've been missing my grandpa lately too ... though we have never been very close during my teens, I remember he used to dote on me when I was young. I even taught him to read a few English words using my cousins' Primary 2 textbook ! That's how hardworking he is before he left us after succumbing to colon cancer. I never cried so hard in my life. For a few years I cant even bring myself to recall without dropping tears, those days he will sit quietly at the mahjong table playing a game or two with my uncles & aunties or sitting on the sofa catching up on his reading.

It's that quiet demeanour that I miss most... if only my grandpa is still alive ... if only ...

Tibetan Nun ~ Om Mani Padme Hom 11:55 PM

Too much "free time" ??

Sometimes I wonder if I really do have “too much” free time on hand to dwell on mundane issues …

On 2nd thoughts, they are not really trivial. In my heart, I wanted to lead a simple life with no care in the world but somehow, in the deep recess of my mind, I do pinch myself sometimes for being back at Square 1… “neither here nor there” as what people used to say …

As I stop in my tracks to evaluate the path that I’ve taken and to map out the next step, I cant help but feel a little disoriented. Where do I go from here ? Do I have much choice or time to contemplate ? Am I still eligible to make the switch ? What is my market value ? Am I making the right choice ? Why should I even be too bothered if a job is just my means to earn a livelihood ? *sigh* Can you see how confused I am ?

Maybe I really did have a bad day today. In fact, for the last 2 weeks I have been craving for rich food, deep-fried food & tid-bits .. I’m finishing a packet of twisters as Im typing this … tell-tale sign that things are not going too well … *sigh* I need to go back to deep meditation which I’ve stopped for awhile. Hadn’t been practising my dance, hadn’t been exercising my vocals, hadn’t been jogging... This is one of the few times I feel really hopeless… *sigh* so down in the dumps ...

Never done anything right …. Never use brains … *sigh* whatever negative thoughts there can be will just surface… just felt so defeated…

30 mins later ….

*deep breath*

Yes, I’ve snapped out of my own misery through music therapy… mood is lighter now all thanks to David Tao, Ah-Mei, Li-Hom & this new kid on the block called Fang Da-Tong .. His compositions with jazz influence are really good !

Oh, just heard the main door opened. Think Mey’s back from work... another of my morale-booster !! Can hear her excited shouts from the door on some acoustic guitar course she signed up just now. Hah, hope it wont end up like the drums lessons she took a few years ago which she stopped halfway after buying some drumsticks and drum pad.

Things aint that bad izznt it ? Hmm …. I should do some meditation now .. think I will sleep even better thereafter …

Tibetan Nun ~ Om Mani Padme Hom 11:42 PM